I often pretend that it makes me no difference, but that?s just another game that I play with myself, and I'm-in a sense trying to ?out? it I suppose. My grandmother Annie Mae Presley passed away March 7, right in front of my mother and sister's eyes. She had lung cancer and had been smoking ever since she was about 12.
We found out that she had it 2 years prior to her passing. She came down with what we all thought was pneumonia, but it was just the cancer lowering her immune system and starting to show its effects on the body. Everyone in the family knew that she was sick, and nearly everyone responded. Of course not in the way that we would have liked, but they did respond.
Well, the last three weeks of her life, my father that I haven't seen for 14 years showed up at the hospice. My mother, who?s very uncomfortable with him being there with her and gram alone, noticed that he would say a few words, and then wait for everyone else to come.
He had never really made an effort to see anyone but my eldest sister and when she saw him, he was full of games. Well, I?m not taking her side on that because i wasn't there. Any way, I was told that he doesn't like large or big people. They repulse him. I spoke to him the day before I saw him after 14 years.
Among the many things we talked about was how I?m a health girl. His reply was, "yeah, you know our family has some heavy people in it." Then he went on to mention that he has picked up weight. I was kind of happy because I thought my father wouldn't try to judge me because of my size. I was wrong, but I didn't know that yet.
The day that he came to the he came to the hospice, I had greeted gram and made her as comfy as I could. We were able to get her to eat two chicken wings and a piece of pastry, that was pretty great because she wouldn't eat anything. Any way, I was nervous and scared because of all the things I had heard about him, not just from my siblings and mom but from uncles, aunts, friends of the family....everyone really.
Well, he called first, and 10 minutes later he knocked on the door and came in. My cousin and his wife along with their kids had arrived a little while before he did. You should have seen the look on his face. A part of me died when I looked into his eyes. He tried to cover it up by giving me a delayed big hug and talking loud.
While we were sitting there, he asked me questions like, what kind of car do you drive, what kind of job do you have, do you make good money?
What the $%^&! He just got here and he is asking questions like that!!! That?s crazy!
Well, over the next 3 weeks he would show up when he thought we were there. I didn't like the fact that he wasn't there for gram. After all, she had been there for us ever since I can remember, and where has he been!
Well, she passed away and at then end of her funeral, when we were walking out to go bury her, he steps out and starts to rub my shoulders. I just wanted to punch him. After we buried her, we needed help removing her things from her apartment. He was nowhere to be found, but he wanted to go to lunch with me or dinner. Not to mention, he wants to fund my way through college. LOL
I know that you only get one father, and I know I would be hurt if he passed away or something and we never had a true heart to heart, but I can't bring myself to call him. Every time I pick up the phone, I freeze. I don't know what to do.
I?m starting to believe that he isn?t really worth getting to know. I just had to get this off my chest.
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